Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
