Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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