Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
