Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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