sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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