He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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