i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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