I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She's the barista slut.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
When are your genitals available?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
