and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
not ubering you a puppy
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
