She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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