We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
