Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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