Can i not drive my cunt home
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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