good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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