i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
