well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
