Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
