Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Four minutes until I can fart!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
