No, drunk sperm still make babies.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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