what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
