Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
