Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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