Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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