My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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