Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just found puke in my bra..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
