I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm getting married
To pizza
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
