I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
