tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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