Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
