you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
