You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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