I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
