I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
