First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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