But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i would punch a child for taco bell
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
