The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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