My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
