They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
