There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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