yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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