Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
