put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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