I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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