Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
