you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
