Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
