my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
there is glitter all over my balls
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
