I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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