There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
