The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
